Cobra Commander And The Stupid Portal of Doom
by Red Witch
Summary: Another day, another interdimensional mess Cobra has to deal with.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is looking for a snack. Just a little more madness and bringing back another not so well known Cobra character.**

**Cobra Commander And The Stupid Portal of Doom**

Cobra Commander started at the strange green and blue portal in front of him. "Okay… What new fresh hell is this?"

"Oh hello Cobra Commander," Destro sighed as he stood next to Zartan, Mindbender, Tomax and Xamot. "We had a little…incident."

"**Another **one?" Cobra Commander asked. "We still haven't gotten over the last one! You know? When you turned your girlfriend into the ultimate bitch?"

"That was Doctor Venom," Destro corrected. "This is Doctor Mindbender's fault."

"It is not!" Mindbender snapped. "I admit that is **my machine** that I was working on but it was the stupid Dreadnoks that turned it on!"

"And we go down the line of blame once again to its obvious conclusion!" Cobra Commander glared at the Dreadnoks to the side of the room. "What did you morons do this time?"

"We were just going to fix us a snack when we opened up that door and this thingy popped outta nowhere!" Torch pointed to the tall silver machine that the portal came out of.

"You were going to fix a snack in Mindbender's lab?" Zartan glared at his Dreadnoks.

"Well we just saw this refrigerator thing as we were walking by…" Monkeywrench began.

"This is not a refrigerator! This is a protoplasmic dimensional converter amplifier!" Mindbender snapped.

"A what?" Ripper asked.

"A machine that makes big glowy portals to other dimensions," Destro said sarcastically.

"Oh. Is that what that is? I wondered why a refrigerator was in the middle of your science lab," Torch remarked.

"Great, another day, another stupid portal of Doom!" Cobra Commander groaned. "I hate my life!"

"When did you make this?" Tomax asked Mindbender.

"A few years ago I was playing around with cross dimensional technology and I put it in storage once I got bored," Mindbender explained. "I was going through my inventory trying to find things to sell on E-Bay when I came across this. I never even tested it or turned it on before. I didn't even know it worked!"

"Well now you know," Xamot said.

"And knowing is a great reason why we should have more warning signs around here," Tomax quipped.

"There's something coming through the portal!" Destro pointed.

"Probably an ectoplasmic entity of some kind," Mindbender said.

"Just say ghost Mindbender!" Zartan snapped. "You're not impressing anybody!"

"G-G-Ghost? I hate ghosts!" Torch wailed. "They give me the willies!"

"I'm not exactly that fond of them myself," Cobra Commander groaned. "Here's a crazy idea. How about we **turn off** the damn machine before the ghosts **escape**?"

"Uh…" Road Pig held up a broken lever of some kind. "S-Sorry. Th-thought it was an ice m-machine."

"Oh…goody," Destro groaned.

"So in short, we opened a portal to another dimension and now we're being invaded by ghosts," Cobra Commander asked.

"That is what is happening in a nutshell," Mindbender said.

"Great. And I'm out of scotch," Cobra Commander groaned. "Can this day be any worse?"

"We're just going to have to go with the old Dreadnok standby," Zartan took out his laser pistol. "When in doubt, blow it up!"

"For once Zartan has the right idea," Destro took out his weapon.

"But won't there be some kind of chain reaction that blows us all up to kingdom come?" Buzzer asked.

"That is a chance I am willing to take! Anything to escape an eternity with you lot!" Destro remarked. "Fire!"

Zartan, Destro, Xamot and Tomax fired on the machine. It exploded with a huge backlash and knocked them all backwards. The portal disappeared but not before shooting out some weird ectoplasm that covered them all.

"Of course it can…" Cobra Commander groaned. "I've been slimed!"

"So this is what it's like to be at the Kid's Choice Awards?" Monkeywrench looked at himself.

"Oh crap, something did escape before the portal closed!" Mindbender pointed as they all got up.

"Of course it did," Cobra Commander let out an annoyed his. "What some kind of evil brain sucking interdimensional parasite?"

A figure seemed to form into existence. "BEHOLD! I HAVE RETURNED!" A familiar looking man with a weird hairstyle of black and white cackled. "I AM CRYSTAL BALL!"

"Well you got the parasite part right," Mindbender said to Cobra Commander.

"Great. Instead of a brain sucking parasite we get a sanity sucking parasite!" Cobra Commander groaned.

"He's ba-ack," Buzzer moaned.

"Who was this bloke again?" Torch asked.

"Used to be Cobra's head psychic before he blew himself up," Buzzer explained. "Met him a couple years ago remember?"

"Of course **I **remember! Remember the injustices you lot did to me!" Crystal Ball shrieked. "The worst part is that you don't even care what happened to me!"

"Dude, you really should have read the fine print on your terrorist contract," Monkeywrench remarked. "Then you would have seen it coming."

"Didn't we destroy you with one of Mindbender's contraptions?" Destro asked.

"You can't really destroy a ghost fool!" Crystal Ball howled. "You can scatter our essence around the universe into a billion pieces. Which is what Mindbender did!"

"How did you pull yourself together?" Xamot asked.

"Oh I got lucky," Crystal Ball waved. "All my essence ended up in one place and thanks to my amazing psychic abilities I pulled myself together with no problem."

"Where did you end up?" Tomax asked.

"Jersey Shore," Crystal Ball said. "Wasn't so bad. Hung out at the Boardwalk for a while. Communed with other spirits and a few mediums."

"Really?" Cobra Commander asked. "So how's Snooki?"

"Oh she's doing…NEVER MIND THAT!" Crystal Ball shouted. "The point is that I am back and you can't stop my reign of terror! Muah ha ha ha!"

"You're a ghost. What exactly can you **do**?" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"A lot! I can…Uh…" Crystal Ball blinked. "Haunt you every hour of every day and make your life a living nightmare!"

"That's the same thing Cobra Commander does," Destro pointed out. "What else you got?"

"Lots of things," Crystal Ball snapped. "I can attack you with my plasma energy! GRRRR!" He focused hard but nothing happened.

"Nothing's happening," Zartan said.

"Just give me a minute!" Crystal Ball snapped. "Sometimes it takes a while!"

A minute ticked by and nothing happened. "We're waiting," Cobra Commander said.

"Hey! This has to warm up for a minute!" Crystal Ball snarled. "But once I get powered up…BLAMMO! You are all toast!"

"Uh huh…" Cobra Commander snorted. "Anything else?"

"I will use my ghostly powers to possess one of your bodies and wreak havoc! HA HA HA!" Crystal Ball laughed.

"Really? You do remember what happened the last time you tried **that** particular trick?" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"Oh right…" Crystal Ball blinked. "Not a good idea."

"Neither was making some kind of ghost portal," Tomax looked at Mindbender.

"Oh sure! Blame the mad scientist whenever his machines go wrong!" Mindbender rolled his eyes.

"So can you do **anything **useful besides floating around and spying on what's going on in the ladies' bathroom?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Well I can…I can see what is going on all over the world with my senses! OOOOH!" Crystal Ball said in a spooky voice. "And I can see…Doom! Yes! Terrible Doom for all of you!"

"Like we didn't already know **that?**" Torch scoffed.

"I see dark things in your horizon! Bad things! Very bad things!" Crystal Ball cackled. "And…parties! Parties you will never be invited too! Muah ha ha!"

"You can't do diddly squat can you?" Cobra Commander spat.

"I can too!" Crystal Ball snapped. "I can actually see things going on! Watch! See what is happening now!" He focused his hands together and a light appeared between them. "Gaze into my portal of discovery! HA!"

Everyone looked at the patch. "Oh cool!" Torch said. "It's like a little TV!"

"Which one of the Housewives' shows is that?" Zartan asked.

"Well it's not Jersey," Ripper said. "These girls are all blonde."

"It's either New York or Orange County," Xamot said. "I can't really tell them apart."

"Me neither," Tomax agreed.

"Oh sorry. I've got it set on Bravo. Wait a minute," Crystal Ball apologized and focused again. "Okay. Now what do you see?"

"It looks like a meeting of some kind," Destro stared at the sight.

"It is. A pitch meeting…for Sex and the City 3!" Mindbender gasped.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" The men in the room screamed.

"Okay. That **is** a very bad thing of doom!" Torch admitted.

"So what? I mean all we have to do is not go into a movie theater to avoid **that** one!" Cobra Commander snarled.

"Until it goes straight to video and the cable channels," Ripper spoke up. "But even then…"

"So your main power is basically being annoying? Great! Just freaking great!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And I thought **living people** were a pain in the neck!"

"And the best part is there's nothing you can do to stop me!" Crystal Ball cackled as he floated around. "Ooh! I'm haunting you! I'm haunting you! Booooo!"

"Mindbender," Cobra Commander glared at his head scientist as Crystal Ball tried to give Cobra Commander the ghostly equivalent of a Wet Willie. "Tell me you have something to deal with **this!"**

"Actually I do," Mindbender looked around. "Somewhere. Hang on a second."

"Oh for crying out…" Cobra Commander hissed as Mindbender went into another room. Crystal Ball stuck his fingers like rabbit ears behind his helmet. "Why am I constantly surrounded by morons?"

"Well there is the theory of Karma," Destro remarked. "In each life every man gets what he deserves."

"That certainly explains **your** life," Zartan snorted. Destro glared at him.

"Ooooohh! Whooooo!" Crystal Ball cackled as he floated around taunting Cobra Commander. "I'm not touching you! I'm not touching you!"

"Uh duh! You're a ghost mate!" Monkeywrench scoffed. "You **can't **touch him!"

"That's right! Can't touch this! Do, do, do, do! Do, do! Do, do!" Crystal Ball danced in the air. "Can't touch this!"

"_Mindbender!_" Cobra Commander screeched.

"Coming! Found it!" Mindbender came out with an odd handheld purple vacuum like device. He turned it on.

"Can't…HEY! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME? AAAAAHH!" Crystal Ball screamed as his spirit was sucked into the vacuum.

"I knew I had an ectoplasmic gathering and containing unit around here," Mindbender said as he pushed a few buttons. "Now I'll activate the containment phase and…"

"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHOA! STOP PUSHING! HELP!" Crystal Ball could be heard as the machine made noises.

Mindbender set the machine down on the table and the machine vibrated until it made a ding. "Ah! All done!" He pulled out something circular and clear from the back. "Now the spirit is contained in a nearly indestructible and compact circular clear mineral formation."

"You put Crystal Ball…in a _crystal ball_?" Destro asked.

"Talk about irony," Monkeywrench remarked.

"Hey! Let me out! Let me out!" Crystal Ball's head appeared inside his namesake. "This is not cool people! Not cool!"

"Here you go Commander," Mindbender handed the crystal to his leader. "All yours!"

"What the hell am I supposed to do with **this?"** Cobra Commander snapped. "The last thing I need is a talking paperweight!"

"HEY!" Crystal Ball snapped. "I'm right here you know?"

"Maybe you could use him for something?" Mindbender suggested.

"I already have something useless that talks nonstop!" Cobra Commander snapped. He looked at the Dreadnoks. "Five of them actually. Six if you count Road Pig **twice!"**

"You could always use him…" Xamot began.

"As a bowling ball," Tomax finished the suggestion.

"Candlepin obviously," Xamot added.

"Well that's a given," Tomax agreed with his brother.

"I'm sure we'll find **some** use for him," Mindbender said as he picked something up. "Put him on this stand. I'll work on him in the morning."

"What do you think I am? A broken radio?" Crystal Ball shrieked as Cobra Commander put him on the stand on a small table.

"No! A radio I can **turn off!"** Cobra Commander snapped. "You know what? It's late and I just want to get a drink."

"Ironically that's one of the reasons we got into this mess in the first place," Monkeywrench said. "Boy this day is just filled with irony."

"Yes and now I am going to go fill myself with some vodka, wine or whatever else I can find!" Cobra Commander groaned as he started to leave the room.

"Wait for us Commander! We're still hungry!" Torch said.

"And thirsty!" Ripper agreed as the Dreadnoks followed Cobra Commander.

"I am feeling a bit peckish myself," Mindbender said.

"I could eat," Destro shrugged.

"Should we get something from upstairs?" Zartan asked. "We do live under a fast food restaurant after all?"

"God no!" Destro said. "I'm not **that** hungry!"

"Pizza?" Tomax suggested.

"I do like the garlic bread from that place down the street," Xamot said.

"They have good crust," Mindbender said.

"Uh? Excuse me? **Hello**!" Crystal Ball shouted. "You can't just leave me here!"

"I could go for pizza," Cobra Commander agreed. "Okay Dreadnoks you know the drill. Go get our usual order."

"Okay wait that's two pepperoni, one veggie lovers'…" Torch recited. "Three meat lovers, two barbecue chicken, one eggplant and spinach…"

"Who likes eggplant and spinach on a **pizza?**" Zartan interrupted.

"I do!" Cobra Commander bristled. "It reminds me of the dish my mother's maid made for me in my youth."

"And three orders of garlic bread with the dipping sauce," Torch finished. "I got that right?"

"Surprisingly yes," Zartan said. "Bravo Torch, you can't remember your real name but you can remember what kind of pizza we have!"

"Hey! You can't leave me here!" Crystal Ball fumed. "Come on guys! I don't eat but at least don't leave me out of the conversation!"

"How do you eat pizza with that helmet on?" Ripper asked Cobra Commander.

"Oh there's a slot I have so I can cut up the pizza and eat with a fork," Cobra Commander pointed to his helmet. "It's basically the same hole I use for drinking with a straw only I make it a little bigger. That reminds me, we should get one of those Margarita pizzas. I've always wanted to try one."

"Did I mention I am slightly claustrophobic?" Crystal Ball cried out. "COME ON!"

"You do know those pizzas don't have any alcohol in them right?" Destro asked Cobra Commander.

"They **don't**? That's false advertising!" Cobra Commander hissed as they left the room.

"Could you at least turn the TV on so I can catch the latest episode of True Blood?" Crystal Ball called out.


End file.
